Introducing the Kung fu knife!

I never pay attention to commercials, but every once in a while I’ll hear something that makes me look up and focus on the ad.

Last night, during my weekly Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon on ION, I heard Ming Tsai’s voice, and as a long-time fan of his, I had to see what he was up to. He was advocating an incredibly cheap-looking knife, and I’ve decided to have some fun with it.

Aero Knife Commercial on YouTube

Here are my favorite parts of the commercial:

  • The knife cuts like a razor (or, you know, like a knife)!
  • The knife has holes, so that’s 60% less surface area for friction!
  • Cut the cheese jokes are amazing!
  • In a clip where extensive force is exerted on the blade, the claim of no force required is thrown out there!
  • Knife ads always have a scene where they “cut” something not food-like and this one is no different. This block of wood has been shaved down with a piece of sandpaper, and the knife is slapped against it to knock the shavings loose. Notice how the blade is perpendicular to the wood? Isn’t it cool that it still halves the softest fucking fruit on Earth after tapping dust off a piece of wood?! Amazing!

I’m usually not one to buy things advertised this way, but do you hear that awesome noise it makes every time Ming moves it around? It’s like he’s in a goddamned Kung fu movie, and I desperately need a knife in my kitchen that does that.

I also really need a tool to cut wood and tomatoes, so that’s just an added bonus.

I’m not going back to school.

So I was emailing derryX about some dinner plans, and since I’m a season-ticket holder for the Tri-City ValleyCats, my initial instinct was just to link him to the schedule so he had an aggregate view of my unavailability over the next three months.

This glorious ad was in the sidebar of the page, and I had to share it. In the live version (this is just a screencap), the arms flail and the red light blinks incessantly.

To answer the question posed in the ad: No, I wouldn’t go back to school if I wind up looking like a fucking mook like this asshole. Oh, and look at those 66-75 and Over 75 options. See how bad our economy is? Even retirees need to go back and get degrees so they can get those low-level jobs bagging groceries and greeting people. Ridiculous.

I suppose the motives behind advertisements are to steal your attention, and over the last decade my mind has grown blind to them. My expertly trained eyes automatically dart around them when I view web pages, and I was shocked that my head was drawing attention to this one. I had to do a full double take to make sure my eyes were being pulled to an ad. I’m sort of glad my subconscious knew there was going to be a blog post about it, and woke me up to it before I closed the tab.