Size Matters

There’s something that’s always spoken to me about Spider-Man and his villains. They all had human problems, often without clear-cut solutions. Venom was the best of the best. A dude that was jaded and corrupted, constantly torn between right and wrong. The only thing he knew, though, was that Peter Parker was the cause of all of his strife, and he lived for his destruction.

The thing that really creeped me out about Venom was that he was undetectable by Petey’s Spider-Sense, and he knew all of his secrets. He was a guy that could be watching you at any time and knows everything about you.

Look how intimidating he is.  He wasn’t OMG HULK HUGE in the beginning, and that let him seem more real to me. His build was above average, but it was feasible. He was jacked and sleek, and had the most disturbing set of fangs you could imagine.

Oh, and did I mention? He could lunge at you from the shadows without detection at any time!

Venom was by far my favorite toy (pictured with the tongue I removed from mine), and I had him decimate everything else I owned when I played. He’d wipe out the X-Men –silly punks in their stupid outfits and non-walking leader– and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants –Juggernaut? Ha! Let me toss you across the room, bitch— and if that wasn’t enough, he’d pick apart the Batman family of heroes and villains.

Then came the obnoxious prehensile tongue. For some reason, his bulk and fangs weren’t enough, so he was given a tongue that was made out of Mr. Fantastic’s DNA. (Not true, but I say it since it could grow and shrink at will, often times dwarfing Venom’s Body.)

I guess I can live with the tongue. It adds another level of creep to Venom’s character. I get it. What I really hate though, is the slobber. I swear he could wet the entire Eastern Seaboard with one fell swoop of that thing. It’s just gross.

Unfortunately, we all know that they couldn’t get enough of making Venom over-the-top. They made him as gigantic as the fucking Hulk, and with that slobbery tongue and those steroid-infused muscles, he put other veiny-cock-looking-idiots —I’m looking at you, Baneto shame.

I’m not going to recap all the shit Venom has done over the years, I don’t care. I’m not going to build a gallery of all the different iterations, I don’t care. I just wanted to give a little shout out to my favorite childhood villain, from before the time he was ruined by the over-the-top body types of the 90’s. Size matters, and bigger is not always better.

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I am Keith J. Frank, an overweight, acerbic, narcissistic, and sometimes lovable asshole that was born in June of 1983.

2 thoughts on “Size Matters”

  1. I always liked that Venom was kind of a roided-out Spiderman, but I agree it got a little ridiculous. This is still one of my favorite comic book covers of all time: You just reminded me that I have no Venom figures on my action figure shelf, I need to fix that…

    1. Aha, yeah, see how awesome that guy looks? He’s big, but he’s not absurdly over-sized. There’s some good options for Venom. I’ll take some pictures of the ones I have on display when I get home.

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