Screen Name History

I’ve had online personas since sometime in 1998, when my family first got AOL on an old ass second-hand computer from my aunt. Part of the fun that first night was gathering around the computer picking out screen names that would represent each of us.

My mother tried to use her old CB handle, Blue Starr, but it was already claimed. She circumvented by prepending her first initial, becoming jbluestarr, a name she still uses to this day. Hit her up, she’ll be thoroughly confused as to why you’re randomly contacting her, but it’ll be entertaining for all of us.

Dad wound up with tazees, a combination of Taz (his favorite Warner Bros. character) and ees (the second syllable of Yankees).

I went through a phase where I thought it was cool to sign all my drawings as KillerKJ, you know, because I was so gangster, but someone equally bad ass already claimed it. The quick solution was tacking on my last initial, so I started perusing AOL chat rooms as KillerKJF.

My name had instant cred, and I wound up with a “girlfriend” my first weekend in the chat rooms. We “dated” for a few months. At 14, this was pretty major. We devoted every waking moment to communicating with each other. I don’t even know what she looked like, past the descriptions she wrote in her emails and IMs, since there were no web cams or digital cameras back then. It didn’t matter, we were horny kids and we were totally into our cyber sex emails. I remember printing them out so I could read them in my room. How awesome is that? I wonder if having printed out cyber-sex emails from a 14 year old is considered child pornography… I should probably find them and burn them.

Anyhow, this is a story about my screen names, not my “relationships.” It’s relevant because she turned into a real psycho after I broke the news that I was on the precipice of getting a “real” girlfriend. We’re talking 10-15 emails an hour, all of them containing a fuchsia, 72pt frowny face, set in the ever-classic typeface Comic Sans (recreation inset right). The easiest solution to this budding problem was telling my parents that my account was hacked, and that they should just create a new screen name for me. I’m pretty sure the spiel I gave them instilled the fear of God, and it was way easier than telling them I was trying to break up with a girl that loved me over the internet.

I liked metal music, and I’ve always had a fascination with frogs, so I wound up with MetalFrog. I’ve had liaisons with two other names, but this is the one that’s always stuck. During the .com boom, I signed up for profiles on every site just to claim the name as my own. There’s nothing more infuriating than going to a new web site and not being able to own MetalFrog. Hell, I signed up for that fucking terrible, broad-filled web site Pinterest just to stake my claim to the name.

There’s only two other names I’ve gone by: TroyHxC and The Advice Asshole. Troycore is a sub-genre of New York Hardcore that’s deeply rooted in our area, and I’ve loved it since I got a bootleg tape of Dying Breed in high school. Our music has been a very big part of my life, and in the early 2000s my screen name was a fitting tribute. My time as The Advice Asshole is deserving of its own post, so check back tomorrow when I break it down.

This is a big test of how compelling my story-telling is, since I’ve just told you a bunch of shit that you don’t care about. Trust me, though, The Advice Asshole story is filled with ups and downs, triumphs and law suits, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It’ll be good! Alright, maybe not sex, drugs and rock and roll, but a lot of masturbation and porn distribution!

By Keith

I am Keith J. Frank, an overweight, acerbic, narcissistic, and sometimes lovable asshole that was born in June of 1983.