Mike Shinoda, wake the fuck up.

I know the thresholds of heavy, I’ve heard Meshuggah. I’m not under the impression that we’ve made the heaviest album of all time. But I do know that what’s going on out there in rock music, is that rock music, even the most popular bands, is not really influencing the zeitgeist. It’s not moving the needle of pop culture. I don’t want rock to be pop. I do want it to be exciting.
– Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park on today’s groups

Oh, what’s that?

“In the End” is Linkin Park’s highest charting single in the US, debuting at #78 and peaking at number 2 on the Hot 100 in March 2002 and being kept off the top spot by “Ain’t It Funny” by Jennifer Lopez and Ja Rule. It left the Hot 100 after 38 weeks.
– Wikipedia, in Rebuttal

Other Linkin Park Songs to Chart on the Hot 100
  • A Light that Never Comes
  • Bleed it Out
  • Breaking the Habit
  • Burn it Down
  • Crawling
  • Faint
  • Given Up
  • Iridescent
  • Leave Out All the Rest
  • Lost in the Echo
  • Lying From You
  • One Step Closer
  • New Divide
  • Shadow of the Day
  • Somewhere I Belong
  • The Catalyst
  • Waiting for the End
  • What I’ve Done

Yeah, it’d be a shame if “hard rock” was ever on a pop chart, right, dude? I guess you’re different because you throw around words like “zeitgeist” and expect people to be impressed. You’re the exception because you really defined the “hard rock crossover” niche, right?

Don’t worry, I’ll concede and give you full credit. Your band definitely “[moved] the needle” by creating a completely cookie-cutter genre of radio-friendly rock music that has yet to change. Two and a half minutes of melodic open chords and mellow verses,  choruses with repeated hooks, “heavy” bridges with angry yelling, and fading outros of resolution and compromise.

You’re the reason that a talented, interesting band like Mudvayne totally changed their style. Instead of staying unique, they disbanded and some of them went on to create Hellyeah, the epitome of your brand of radio-friendly rock. I guess you can take credit for Nickelback too.

Sincerely, I thank you for your influence on music.

I see it a lot, and I’m sure I’ve done it and will do it again in my life time. That thing where you bitch about something that you do. Oh, you hate loud and obnoxious people that try to garner every ounce of attention in the group? Guess what, you are that person to the rest of us! Congratulations.

Maybe it’s just that we’re all that unaware of ourselves that we think the things we do aren’t the same as the shit everyone else does. Perhaps we’re prone to really despise the things we do, because we’re selfish creatures and we want to feel unique. We have to rise up and protect our personality traits, as flawed they may be, lest we blend in with everyone else.

Whatever it is at the root of these harsh judgments — like the one I’m presently typing — the most important thing is that this guy is a douche, his band is fucking terrible, and I’m tired and grumpy. Throw that into a blender and I bitch about something no one in their right mind should ever care about, let alone write 750 words about.

IN THE ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND IT DOESN’T REALLY MAAAAATTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Fuck that song. Seriously. You know how much you hate All of Me right now? Or E.T. last summer, or Girl on Fire the summer before that? Back when that stupid shithead song came out, it was that song. You couldn’t escape it, and it was worse every time it hit your ears. Now, typing this fucking post, the damned song is stuck in my head. I’m sure the assholes in Gitmo used this song during the sleep deprivation torture they did to the captives. I know I’d tell them whatever they wanted to hear to get them to turn it off inside my own head right now.

Oh, just one last thing. Why do you want to name drop Meshuggah as a heavy band? Because you heard the name on the Osbourne’s reality TV show and thought it was super edgy when Jack was blaring Soul Burn out the window? Oh man, you’re so #br00t4l. If you’re trying to convince me that you know anything about heavy metal, because you can write songs that chart well on pop and alt-rock stations, be advised that you’re failing miserably in that respect.

The actual last thing I’d like to point out is how awesome you guys are live. You know, when you have guitarists backstage playing for you, while you run around and pretend to play? You’re top notch artists.

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Keith

I am Keith J. Frank, an overweight, acerbic, narcissistic, and sometimes lovable asshole that was born in June of 1983.

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