App reviews are the best.

A few years ago, I got into the habit of reading the “What’s changed” section on the apps that update on my phone. Once, I scrolled down the page and read the most recent reviews posted. They rarely disappoint, and break down into a few different categories.

The “has no friends on the app” guy:



The “legitimately likes it but has nothing to say about it” chick:



The “has lofty expections” guy:


I mean, seriously. Fucking Maxthon? Is it still 2002? Get the hell out of here you idiot.


The “holding stars hostage because i fucking blow at the game” chick:



And the ever classic, “very confused, extremely overwhelmed” guy:



You’ll notice the dates on these jump all over the place. I’ve been stockpiling them as I come across them, waiting for the right time to use them. I have some left over for a follow up post, and if you stumble across any of these, share them with me for inclusion.

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I am Keith J. Frank, an overweight, acerbic, narcissistic, and sometimes lovable asshole that was born in June of 1983.

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