Lost is a Pile of Shit

My Lost Finale Recap

I need to preface this. I have never watched a moment of Lost until tonight. I download the two hour season finale with intentions of writing a review with my pal, Alan (who hasn’t watched Lost either). We had no prior knowledge of the series going into the last two hours of the show, and we took notes in real time as we watched.

This is our story…

I thought I was watching Lost, but it’s awful Sparta in here. With throwing people down wells and shit.

So apparently Lost is about some guy that works at an airline and looks at x-rays in his office. Then cleanses himself in a creek, and fantasizes about spinning cargo while drinking tea with a broken arm, while loading a clip of bullets watching some guy wrap a rope around his arm, who then winds up in a hospital. Oh god, the video montage is going too fast to keep up with.

Oh so this guy isn’t a priest, as we can tell from his snarky, “Or something” reply to the question of him being a priest.

So apparently Lost is just a bunch of intertwining flash-backs and random shit. I feel sorry for anyone that’s invested six years of their life to this show.

This fat guy is the worst mobster ever, and as unintimidating as he is, this drunk punk rock guy from the UK is even worse.

Ok, suspension of disbelief totally shattered. This fat guy has walked briskly for at least forty paces. Everyone I know that size needs to stop after three or four.

So now we see this guy with the rope again, but this time he’s interrupted by Billy Ray Cyrus, who turns out to be the Goddamned Batman. He elbows some fruit in the nose and takes his gun. But I thought Batman hated guns…

It’s at this point we realize that the bald guy is Phil Collins, and he intends to sink the island to the bottom of the ocean. I guess he doesn’t realize that an island is not just a floating piece of dirt.

Now Phil Collins is in some little village which consists of Gabrielle Sidebay, Kenny Rogers and some mutt. He’s pretty menacing with that plastic knife, so the guy from Wings (the funny brother that never cared too much about flying planes) decides to go with him.

So as we knew all along, the brother from Wings that didn’t care much about flying crashed the plane into the island. So John Woo tells this other dude – with the worst dirt beard ever – that they have to go to the other island and blow up the plane.

So now there’s two islands, but we’ll never know for sure, since there’s some flash back to another Asian dude in the hospital. This one doesn’t look quite like John Woo, so we’ll call him Jackie Chan. This semi-attractive blonde chick comes in to give Jackie Chan’s wife an ultra-sound, which some how opens a window to another universe. In this universe, Jackie Chan is happy to see his wife survived a plane crash, and then she is happy to see he survived a boat explosion. They’ve been reunited on this random island, although they’re still in the hospital room.

So at this point, it has to be either parallel universes or just a ton of flash-backs going on. Either way, I’m unimpressed.

OH NO. Phil Collins is in the hospital now. I’d say he’s recovering from cancer, but he was bald to begin with, so there’s no clear indicator.

Oh yeah. John Woo and the other dude (that looks like Hugh Grant with a dirt stache) have a boat and start rowing to this other island. Shit, I was into this just because there was one island, two for the price of one. They pick up a drunken Ted Nugent who happens to be a real pilot, not like that dude from Wings. They all joke about him grabbing a drink of water after floating around in a metric fuckton of it a few moments ago.

So now, this chick that earlier turned into Billy Ray Cyrus after walking through the woods wastes about thirty bullets because she has the worst aim on the planet. Oh cool, dude in the blue shirt wasn’t chosen, he volunteered. Whateve rthe fuck that means.

Now these two groups of enemies are walking around together, but only Phil Collins, Volunteered-Chosen-One-blue-shirt-dude, and the brother from Wings that crashed the plane.

Now they’re tying off to each other to go into this cave, where Wings bro says taht they’re not going to wind up in the same place, and they ramble a little bit and I ignored it. From what I can gather, this is just a bunch of different scenarios of the same events playing out simultaneously, like that Hawkings Multiverse idea.

Flashback to fat dude in a car again, I don’t care so I stopped paying attention. Some fight or something. Now we’re back to John Woo landing on the other island, and bumping into some blonde chick that has EVEN WORSE AIM THAN THE BRUNETTE CHICK. I mean, srsly, she’s four feet away, and still missed by at least ten feet. I don’t get it. Why do these idiots have guns if they can’t fucking use them. I get that this blonde chick was supposed to be dead or something, but she’s alive and kicking – er, shooting. Poorly.

OH GOD THE CAVE. Phil Collins is helping lower the Wings bro into this glowing cave, that’s not ominous at all, but they’re tyring to make it that way by playing scary music and panning back slowly. Again, more dialogue that doesn’t make sense so I tune it out.

One of the girls from Sex in the City (that sluty old blonde one) is in some big line with a younger blonde chick and a really young dude. We go inside the event, and the British Punk Rock dude that got stunned was passed out on a couch. Some girl wakes him up because he’s a bass player for Neil Patrick Harris with a beard.

Outside again, little kid meets up with some dude that we’ve seen on the island a ton, who’s with the brunette that can’t shoot. She sees the Blonde that can’t shoot, and they know each other, but won’t admit it. Blonde chick and bass player dude lock eyes and fall in love, she starts to have contractions in the early stages of birth. She runs off like a little bitch, and brunette girl runs after her, while bass player just stares awkwardly.

Now we go back to the cave, with a lot of dead bodies, and the stage from Survivor where they say who’s being kicked off the island. Apparently, it’s this dude’s turn because there’s some funky shit going on. These terrible flashing lights amplify and intensify as he picks up a stone in the middle of the pond and pulls it away. I think it’s a big stopper to a drain, and I’m right because the water’s drained out of the pond now. It’s pretty dark, but not for long as it starts to glow red.

He screams out in horror as the camera guys all get Parkinson’s, because it’s shaky as hell. Now this dude tackles Phil Collins and he bleeds. I guess he’s not immortal anymore, but he can still hit back with the power of god, he lays out the bitch with one shot.

Oh fml. Neil Patrick Harris is still playing piano, while this guy we’ve seen a lot talks to Martha Washington. He’s talking about the revolution and how many stars there should be on the flag she’s going to sew.

In the dressing room, the girls that have terrible aim are going to try to deliver a baby. Hopefully the brunette one can catch better than she can fire her weapon. She gives birth and the baby comes out pretty well clean. This explains why the blonde chick has awful aim, she has a waterfall gushing from her vag at all times with crystal clear h20.

Now we’re treated to more of these right-before-death flashbacks that people have. But they’re from the island, so I can only assume one of three things. This birth happened before the plane crashed, after the plane crashed and they were all saved, or it’s happening concurrently, playing into my Multiverse scenario.

You’d think with a show that’s been on the air for six seasons could get better cameramen. We’re back on the island with the Parkinson’s crew and the dude wakes up from being knocked the fuck out. He makes a feeble attempt at saving that guy that got kicked off the island, and then runs off.

We flash over to this group of people that were pretty close to killing each other about fifteen minutes ago, but they’re desparately trying to save each other’s lives. Phil Collins has a boat, but really who the fuck cares? John Woo is at the plane and has a torch that survives in this torrential downpour.

OH SHIT YEAH. Epic fight scene. Over what appears to be a wooden ladder that leads off the island. The island isn’t reacting well to losing the brother from Wings, and starts to crumble around Phil Collins, who is able to grab his plastic knife and inflict massive damage to blue-shirt-guy. Right before he gets his throat slit, the brunette chick with no aim shoots and kills Phil Collins.

We cut back to the hospital, and the Doctor is being congratualted on saving Phil Collin’s life. We see the doctor coming to life, as the doctor shows signs of a neck wound, that coincidentally is in the same spot as the one he was getting right before Phil Collins was shot on the island.

This is another clue that I’m right about the Multiverse. As Phil Collins dies on the island, he is brought back to life and in full health in the hospital. The doctor is on the island, starting to die, and he is fading in the hospital as well. He is the center of both universes, and he’s starting to blend together between the two.

Now John Woo has metamorphed into MacGuyver as he’s fixing a hydrolic system with a stapler and duct tape.

So instead of running like a mother fucker, this stabbed dude that can barely walk is going to go put the stone back into the pond on the Survivor set. Fat, bad mobster dude and the one that got his nose broken are going to stay with him. Brunette girl and Billy Ray Cyrus are going to flee on the boat that’s been there the whole time. This somehow will fix the island and they can all stay, happily ever after. Or have enough time to get everyone to the plane and leave, or something.

ahahaha best line ever. “I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I believe in duct tape.” Well, that’s fine and dandy, but Billy Ray and bad-aim-brunette girl go cliff diving to get to the boat faster. Just as safe as using the rickety ladder system, since they know full-well what is at the bottom of the water below.

Uh oh, Billy Ray and the Chick from Sex in the City had a massive love affair, and they’re reliving it through flashbacks. Goddamn. I never want to see another flashblack as long as I live, but there’s still 40 minutes left, I’m sure I’ll see ten more.

Ok, doc, chick, touch, island flashback.

Snap to the island again, and we’re in the middle of an episode of Days of Our Lives. The acting has degraded into the fat bad mobster dude crying over the Doc not dying or something. Now they’re making a pact to save each others lives or something. At least give him a reach around after eye fucking him this whole time.

Turbines whirring to life is pure music to the pilot, and I’d have to agree after the mellow Neil Patrick HArris piano scene. Doc is at the bottom of the cave, lava everywehre, smoke, and the bro from Wings with a broken leg. He gets sent up on the rope.

Billy Ray and the two chicks make it to the plane, and now Doc is trying to put the stone back into the Survivor Pond, but his gut wound is really hindering his efforts. It’s in place but nothing is reverting yet. HE HATH FAILED.

As Ted Nugent fires up the turbines, the sheer power crushes the Earth below it. Oh man, plane takes off at the last second barely missing some brush. The Nuge says “Amen” and there’s relief on everyone’s face, well those that got on the plane. the others are just plane fucked. Ha, get it? Plane fucked.

Phil Collins is now in a wheel chair, surprising looking a lot like Professor X. Another gay ass sobfest about loving each other and some shit. Now Proffesor X, Phil Collins, Stone Cold Steve Austin, is getting up and walking. It’s true, he’s a magician too.

And of course, fat dude is crying because that Doc, Jack Hugh Grant guy is dead, but they didn’t even make the feintest attempt at trying to go down and save him. Good friends.

I guess the show’s name is perfect. I’m totally Lost. After two hours of this shit I want to commit suicide. Anyone that was stupid enough to watch this entire series needs to seek psychiatric help. There is nothing to live for anymore. You have wasted a million hours of your life trying to figure out something that has no real ending.

In this magical funeral parlor, everything you desire comes to fruition. A fat, island-running compatriot? Check. A dead old man that’s now alive and fully healed? Check. A dead father that was missing but now is found in a coffin? Check. Oh and touch the coffin. It triggers your own flashback of your time on the island. Cool place.

Doc’s father’s coffin is empty, and his father is alive and behind him. Or is Doc now dead? Yup, he’s dead now too, so they’re meeting up in the afterlife. Cool plot twist bros.

“Where is this place, dad?”

“This is the place you’ve made so you can all find each other.”

Wat.

So everyone was a live on the island, now dead, in the afterlife, meeting up with each other to reconnect. The worst part of their lives has now become the most joyous, and they wish to relive it every hour of every day. So now they’re all together, they’ve moved on into the afterlife. So my Multiverse idea is shot to shit.

Sad times. So the island was purgatory, this random funeral parlor where these dead peeps are meeting up is the nirvana they were seeking the whole time. Applause, fade to black, exit stage left.

I don’t care if I’m right, don’t try to explain this to me. Ever. Read my thoughts as a first time Lost watcher and laugh at them. If you try to heckle me, I’ll seriously donkey kick you in the nads. This show is ridiculous, and if you watched it so are you.