I Failed as a Man Today

I needed printer paper at work earlier, so I go down and grab a ream from our copy area. As I’m walking back, there’s one of the chicks in the office in front of me, in a form-fitting dress about five or six steps ahead of me.

I was quite hypnotized by her ass as we were walking, and for no reason at all, she turns and looks directly at me. Totally out of the blue, and I was so focused in on it that I didn’t even notice her head had spun around until my eyes lazily moved upward to make eye-contact.

It’s every man’s job to not be caught while looking. Sure, as we get older and more desperate we don’t try to conceal it as much, but I totally blew it today. It was the first time in almost 15 years that I was so obviously and blatantly caught while staring –discounting the times Dorena has caught me staring, of course, since you know, we’re married and shit.

Anyway, I remember the last time like it was yesterday. I was working as a cashier at Hannaford, age 16. A woman in an unassuming sundress comes down my line and pays by check. Luckily for me, I was on the register without one of those wings that comes up and away from the terminal, so she had to bend toward the belt to write it out. As she leaned over, I saw all the way down to her feet.

She was still hunched over with her arm extended with the finished check before she cleared her throat two times and stood back up. The horny teenager in me was saying, “She noticed and she liked that I liked it, and she wants me to know she knew.”

The pragmatic truth-sayer part of me was calling my other half incredibly stupid, and I made it my goal to never be caught again. I suppose once every 15 years isn’t a bad mark to strive for…

Published by


I am Keith J. Frank, an overweight, acerbic, narcissistic, and sometimes lovable asshole that was born in June of 1983.

Talk to Me