Give a Kid the Ball

If you’re ever at a ballgame and you happen to snag a foul ball, give it to the closest little kid you can find. You’ll absolutely make his day, and create a fan for life.

Maybe I’m sympathetic to this, because my first (and only) ball was tossed to my father as he was carrying me out of the park. I was crying after not getting one during the game, and a player –I believe it was Hensley Meulens— tossed us a ball.

25 years later, I’m still a devoted fan and I relish the thought of making some kid as happy as I was that night.

The reason for this story? A foul ball in Texas last night was tossed into the stands. An older couple snagged it and were completely oblivious to the fact that there was a crying toddler next to them.

Look how they taunt him! Heartless!

All’s well that ends well, though. Someone in the Rangers dugout saw what was going on and sent a ball over during the changeover at the end of the half. Just look how happy they made that little guy, and look at the glare the broad shoots him, like she’s annoyed he got a ball. Assholes.

I Was Totally Jonesin’ For Some Cookies Last Night

I can completely relate to poor old Cookie Monster. It was like my blood and joints were aching for a taste of a chocolate chip cookie. I was hurtin’ for a fix real bad, man. Real bad.poor cookie monster

Luckily, we had some of those easy-bake Toll House cookies in the fridge, so I made some and gobbled them up like a dirty fucking junkie. Longest twenty minutes of my life ever. The trials and tribulations of a fat guy.

Metldown Week Addendum: The Honorable Mentions

When I started planning out my Meltdown week, there were about twenty clips I wanted to narrow down to my top five. Early on, I decided not to go with sports players/managers, or non-celebrities to help ease my process. Here’s some of my favorites that didn’t make the cut.

We’ll start with baseball legend, Tommy Lasorda.

Alec Baldwin has a huge meltdown over his daughter snubbing him.

Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart the Huckabees. I had a tough choice between this one and the David O’Russell clip from the same set, but I think the David clip is a little more fleshed out.

This meltdown isn’t that great, but the facial expressions of the field reporter, after he slams his pad down, and that of the anchorman are absolutely priceless.

In times of crises, we tend to revert to our earlier times in life. In the case of this field reporter, he was a far less polished gentleman.

Ringo’s just too popular, and can’t handle his fan-mail any longer. He’s telling you shove it, with much peace and love.

I hesitate to put this up as a meltdown, because it’s just a man that’s emotionally distraught, and can’t find the words to explain his position with eloquence. The reactions from Mike Myers as Kanye goes off on a tangent are fucking spectacular, and his level of awkwardness slays me every time I watch this. For the record, I care about black people.

If I’ve missed any of your favorites this week, stop by the forum and share them with me. I can’t wait to see what I’ve forgotten!

Celebrity Meltdown Number One: Casey Kasem

I first heard this meltdown in the 90s, and it’s been my favorite since the first listen. This meltdown has provided my core group of friends countless amounts of laughter, and we spit out lines from it ad nauseum.

It’s really tough to get into this one, especially when coming out of an up-tempo number, but do give it a shot. Here’s Casey Kasem while recording bites for American Top 40.

Boy, this is fucking ponderous, man, ponderous! Fuckin’ ponderous!

There’s an extended cut, with five minutes of material, but the only copy I could find for this post was one with a couple of douchebags laughing and commentating over it. Stick with it if you can, because there’s some more good lines in it. Don’t feel bad if you stop the clip when you get to the death dedication again, it’s all downhill from there with this version.

Celebrity Meltdown Number Two: Bill O’Reilly

It was very difficult to narrow down to five clips for this week, and there was no further difficult decision than picking between my top one and runner up.

Much like yesterday’s post, this clip is very quotable. Here’s Bill O’Reilly from the set of Inside Edition.

Now, to play us out, whatever the fuck that means, here’s Family Guy’s fantastic frame-for-frame rendition. Stewie’s gonna do it live, fuck it! The fucking thing sucks!