The Advice Asshole Saga: Part Two

taa-rises

So we’ve covered how I started out, as a monthly column posted on orsm.net. Let’s get into my time as a very successfully porn distributor.

My Advice Asshole site started small, hosted on geocities. I paid the ridiculous price of $20 a month to have theadviceasshole.com mapped to my geoshitties subdomain. As I grew through the fall of 2003, Yahoo! got mad about my bandwidth consumption and content, subsequently banning me from their server. Worst parts were losing the data, including somewhere around 50-60 questions/answers that where not posted to Orsm, and the loss of my domain name, which was gathering a lot of steam.

I remember battling with Yahoo! to release the domain so I could register it, but they said that they were the sole owners. After I was banned, they turned it into one of those ad placement pages, so they kept making money off my damned name. Still irks me to this day.

I forged ahead, setting up theadviceasshole.net (early 2004). I continued my advice column, started my own forum, and made my own version of Orsm’s Random Shite, called the WTF Gallery. Where Orsm tried to stay “clean” with his images, largely limiting postings to ‘R’ ratings, I thought I’d be gritty and post anything and everything I stumbled upon, regardless of how tasteless it was. I got grossed out pretty early on, and a contributing member took over the nasty stuff, creating a subsection on my site called Sanity Fades. This turns into a really weird story, which is covered in part three of the saga. You do not want to miss it.

I’ll tell you this much, I very rarely entered that section of my site. It was indeed a drain on your sanity seeing the gross shit that was being posted, so I wanted to avoid it. I focused on pictures of women instead, starting with a weekly Who Would You Do? (WWYD) feature that pitted two hot celebrities against each other in a cutthroat poll. The winner returned the following week, and took on a new challenger. We wound up with a fairly popular celebrity section on the forum, but I wanted to see and share much more.

A few of the founding members of my site and I found ways to procure the full sets of images from pay-only sites. We’d painstakingly upload them to galleries on my site, and  we forced people to sign up to download the archives of the sets. It was a great ploy to get members, and we hit a high of 30-40 people online at a time, all browsing and contributing different things.

We already had a great connection with Orsm (and their forums), and after a few spats with rival sites, we actually became friends with people at BakerMedia, Phun and Microdoted. We formed some sort of an ultimate alliance where members comingled and enhanced all of the sites, without any jealousy or anger about where everyone was most loyal. Each forum had its niche: BakerMedia was tech, bullshitting, joking around, Phun  had the best collection of celebrity and internet model pictures, Microdoted members were ruthless with insults and mostly focused on current events, while Orsmforums became an aggregate of all the types of content..

TAA.net really hit a groove with amateur pics, though. Whether the girls had willingly allowed their boyfriends to post pictures of them fooling around, or if they came out after nasty breakups was inconsequential. We became a museum for these pictures. Around the same time as we were picking up loyal members and decent hits, Maxim became the magazine of the millennium, and girls were going around posting pictures of themselves to get some of that girl-next-door fame.

We fell in love with a big-assed Latina, Keyra Augustina, and it soon became our primary drive to find and syndicate every picture she slipped out to the public. It was so hot from the combination of her body being amazing and that she never showed her face. As you can clearly see, from the google results, she turned out to be a butterface. It’s alright, though, we were thoroughly enthralled with her.

I hit the jackpot one winter afternoon, finding a video of Keyra doing a little striptease. At the time, videos weren’t really big yet because you’d have to set your computer up to download long clips over night, or you’d download 45 second clips over an hour and be disappointed by the quality and content. I didn’t care that the video was five megabytes and that it was going to take four hours to upload. I knew I had to get it posted as soon as possible to capitalize on the opportunity.

I got the video published around 9:00 pm and my site crashed around 11:30. I accrued over a 100,000 hits over the two hours and melted my shared server with more than 2,500 people at a time requesting the file each second. I was shut down that night, learning that ‘unlimited bandwidth’ was most certainly not unlimited, and had to upgrade to a dedicated server before dawn the following day. The popularity of my site skyrocketed over that weekend, and I started to average 20,000 views per day. Over the next six months, my site broke into the top 50,000 on Alexa’s rankings, the highest ranking of 46,000 coming over the summer of 2005. I’ve got screenshots of it on a DVD somewhere, but I was unable to find them for this post.

Through trying to verify dates and timelines to the best of my ability, I was reacquainted with the Wayback Machine, and my ranking was good enough that my site was archived with some regularity. The peak of my site from 2005 into 2006 is fairly well maintained. It’s pretty nostalgic for me browsing this old stuff. Pictures aren’t stored, so you’re stuck with only the text content, and apparently the CSS isn’t stored reliably, so some pages look like shit.

What’s cool, though, is that my advice section is mostly intact. If you read any of my answers in yesterday’s posts, you’ll notice the refinement in my style after doing it for a few years. Sure, there’s still some that are flat out mean, but mostly they’re well-rounded satire. I touched upon social issues, made wild conjecture, shared second-hand medical advice, quoted Confucious, name-dropped my famous firends, and my wife even makes an appearance. Awesome stuff.

I was popular enough to have merchandise too! I made a few bucks off this stuff, and that money was rolled right back into hosting the site. I wonder if any of the people out there that bought a shirt or a hoodie still have them. I loved my hoodie, but it was thrown out long ago after ripping. Such is life.

My site was huge, I was having a ton of fun being an asshole, and arguably there was a time where I was internet’s most well-known asshole. Sure you can throw Maddox at me if you want to, but I never bought into him. He’s really overrated, and I don’t think he’s ever been as socially engaged as I was. He certainly didn’t have a solid network of contributors around him, or the support of what should have been rivals and competitors, but I digress.

As we all know, aside from those that think dionsaurs and humans co-existed,  what goes up must come down. The fun came to a crashing halt in 2006, and there’s a lot of drama to unfurl and dissect. Let’s see if I can get it all together before tomorrow, when I unleash the exciting conclusion of The Advice Asshole Saga.

As an added bonus, I’ll drop the bombshell of who shot J.R. You don’t want to miss it, especially if you’ve been living under a rock for the last 31 years!

Balls Aren’t That Sensitive

Why do people say, "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
@Starryeyedxo
Annabel Lee

Guys, can we finally be honest about this? Is it time yet? Our testicles aren’t as delicate as  we men lead you to believe, ladies. Sure, if they’re hit hard enough, in just the right spot, you’ll go down hard. The problem, though, is that right spot is about four square millimeters, and unless it’s just above the threshold of force, we won’t be hurt.

Most of the time, we’re just hamming it up for attention. Starting around the time we’re in middle school, girls think they’re being funny by kicking us in the balls. We start pretending that it really hurts for their sympathy. The truth is, when you kick our nuts, the force is pretty well distributed across the area, and it’s no worse than being hit on any other part of our body.

When you kick us in jeans, we don’t even feel it. Really. I can guarantee that as good as some broads are at faking orgasms, men are exponentially better at faking being hurt from contact with our genitalia. Either it’s because we want you to feel bad so you don’t do it again (alleviating the possibility that you’ll land that ever-so-rare glancing blow), or that you’ll cowtow to our every demand for the next hour.

Sorry bros, couldn’t keep it to myself any more. Cat’s out of the bag. Move on.

The Advice Asshole Saga: Part One

aa-begins

When I read Tim Allen’s autobiography years ago, one of the first passages has always stuck with me.

I’m a Dick. Yes. I am a Dick. My closest friends know I’m a Dick. In fact, my brothers are Dicks, my cousins are Dicks, and my sister—before she was married—a Dick. My dad? One incredible Dick, and the Dick responsible for me being a Dick. Timothy Alan Dick. Some of us are just born lucky.

I’m proud to be an asshole, and I’ve learned from the best. My parents and aunt have always been blunt with their opinions, and they never shy away from saying what’s on their mind. Their wit had a huge effect on me, making me quick on the draw with sarcastic comments. I’ve had a lifetime of observation, and I’ve never shied away from  blurting out what’s on my mind.

The great thing about sarcasm is that the people that get it, get it. Those that don’t, really don’t. There’s no gray area with sarcasm, and the people that don’t get it commonly react by calling you an asshole. They think that you’re trying to be better than them on some level, so they resort to ad hominem attacks when they realize that it’s impossible to outwit you. I used to be offended by this phenomena, and kept my comments to myself. I had enough of keeping it bottled up, and the transition from a closeted to a proud asshole began in my final year of high school.

In 2001, the internet was still mostly in its infancy. The connectivity was still limited, and the software that regulated networks and access to things was rather ineffectual. Troy High’s firewall had a huge exploit of allowing any subdomained url through, so I was a hero when I showed people how to use proxies to load porn sites.

I became a frequent browser of orsm.ii.net (now orsm.net), a personal blog where an Australian guy was posting picture sets and random images weekly. I started going there for the nude girls in high school, but I genuinely enjoyed reading about Orsm’s exploits after I graduated. In 2002, Orsm put out a request for some new ideas. He said the site was becoming mundane, and he wanted things to spice it up. There’s only so many random images and porn sets to publish, so it was high time he reached out for reader contributions.

I came up with an idea where I’d be a dirty Ann Landers, fielding emails from people and  spitting out ruthless advice in a way only an asshole could. Feel free to browse the columns published for Orsm, as they still exist in their original form. I must warn you, these are the ramblings of an unrefined 19 year old asshole. They’re really hit or miss, and honestly they’re mostly miss. Also, don’t open these while you’re at work. Orsm is still a porn site at heart, so there’s lots of naked women in the advertisements.

The Advice Asshole came out of an angry teenager trying to spice up one of his favorite web sites. I didn’t truly understand how to construct funny stories, or how to take my funny thoughts and make them anything other than flat out angry. Still, during the seven months that I did my columns, I amassed a cult following on the orsmforums (forums, remember when they were popular?), and I decided to spin off and create my own site in early 2002.

Basically, I was the Joanie Loves Chachi to Orsm’s Happy Days, except in this analogy, I didn’t fucking blow chunks, and I lasted for more than one season. People understood that I had a raw talent, and they were interested in seeing if I could cultivate my humor into something consistently worth reading. Come back tomorrow, same Asshole Time, same Asshole Channel for part two of The Advice Asshole Saga: The Advice Asshole Rises.

Yes, I’m aware that the Nolan Batman trilogy is Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises. I didn’t think through my parody images before I created them, wanna fight about it? Didn’t think so.

Screen Name History

screennames

I’ve had online personas since sometime in 1998, when my family first got AOL on an old ass second-hand computer from my aunt. Part of the fun that first night was gathering around the computer picking out screen names that would represent each of us.

My mother tried to use her old CB handle, Blue Starr, but it was already claimed. She circumvented by prepending her first initial, becoming jbluestarr, a name she still uses to this dayHit her up, she’ll be thoroughly confused as to why you’re randomly contacting her, but it’ll be entertaining for all of us.

Dad wound up with tazees, a combination of Taz (his favorite Warner Bros. character) and ees (the second syllable of Yankees).

I went through a phase where I thought it was cool to sign all my drawings as KillerKJ, you know, because I was so gangster, but someone equally bad ass already claimed it. The quick solution was tacking on my last initial, so I started perusing AOL chat rooms as KillerKJF.

My name had instant cred, and I wound up with a “girlfriend” my first weekend in the chat rooms. We “dated” for a few months. At 14, this was pretty major. We devoted every waking moment to communicating with each other. I don’t even know what she looked like, past the descriptions she wrote in her emails and IMs, since there were no web cams or digital cameras back then. It didn’t matter, we were horny kids and we were totally into our cyber sex emails. I remember printing them out so I could read them in my room. How awesome is that? I wonder if having printed out cyber-sex emails from a 14 year old is considered child pornography… I should probably find them and burn them.

Anyhow, this is a story about my screen names, not my “relationships.” It’s relevant because she turned into a real psycho after I broke the news that I was on the precipice of getting a “real” girlfriend. We’re talking 10-15 emails an hour, all of them containing a fuchsia, 72pt frowny face, set in the ever-classic typeface Comic Sans (recreation inset right). The easiest solution to this budding problem was telling my parents that my account was hacked, and that they should just create a new screen name for me. I’m pretty sure the spiel I gave them instilled the fear of God, and it was way easier than telling them I was trying to break up with a girl that loved me over the internet.

I liked metal music, and I’ve always had a fascination with frogs, so I wound up with MetalFrog. I’ve had liaisons with two other names, but this is the one that’s always stuck. During the .com boom, I signed up for profiles on every site just to claim the name as my own. There’s nothing more infuriating than going to a new web site and not being able to own MetalFrog. Hell, I signed up for that fucking terrible, broad-filled web site Pinterest just to stake my claim to the name.

There’s only two other names I’ve gone by: TroyHxC and The Advice Asshole. Troycore is a sub-genre of New York Hardcore that’s deeply rooted in our area, and I’ve loved it since I got a bootleg tape of Dying Breed in high school. Our music has been a very big part of my life, and in the early 2000s my screen name was a fitting tribute. My time as The Advice Asshole is deserving of its own post, so check back tomorrow when I break it down.

This is a big test of how compelling my story-telling is, since I’ve just told you a bunch of shit that you don’t care about. Trust me, though, The Advice Asshole story is filled with ups and downs, triumphs and law suits, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It’ll be good! Alright, maybe not sex, drugs and rock and roll, but a lot of masturbation and porn distribution!